Am I the Problem, or Is it Them?

Am I the Problem, or Is it Them?

This is a question that has come up a lot for me in relationships, and in conversations with friends. The answer to this question, like many other things, was rooted in attachment. Here’s the story of how I reached the conclusion that I wasn’t the problem in my relationship even though I thought I was.

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Introduction:

After my parents got divorced when I was 18, my mindset shifted to, “I need to make sure I can always take care of myself and not have to rely on a man in case that ever happens to me.” Although this felt very empowering to me at the time, what I didn’t realize is that it affected my attachment style, a.k.a. my ability to develop a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

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The Evolution of Attachment - Why we all have abandonment issues

Attachment is a survival instinct.We have evolved by attaching to each other to survive. In prehistoric times this looked like either remaining close to others for protection, or not getting too attached because they wouldn’t be around for long. How does this translate into common day attachment styles?

People that have what's referred to as an anxious attachment style want to remain close and need frequent reassurance that their partner will be there. When they aren’t feeling reassured, they will likely act out using protest behaviors. This can look like texting excessively, lashing out, irritability, or attempting to make their partner jealous.

On the contrary, people with avoidant attachment styles tend to use deactivating strategies, such as avoiding intimacy, being emotionally distant, or sabotaging relationships. Because they have a tendency to suppress their needs, this may also look like not being ready to commit, flirting with exes, and pointing out small imperfections.

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Biology of Attachment

We also have a physiological reaction to attachment, which activates our stress response because attachment is inherently linked to our survival instincts. An example of this is when you feel that pit in your stomach when you haven’t heard back from a loved one in a few hours and start to question if something might have happened to them. That’s your attachment system being activated. It is the anxiety you feel in the early stages of dating when you don’t get a response quick enough and wonder if you did something wrong. Or you might try to numb out these uncomfortable feelings by ignoring your needs and avoid getting too close by acting like you just don’t care. It’s important for us to regulate our nervous system when we recognize that our attachment system is activated so we don’t overreact by taking our stress out on the people we love and unintentionally drive them away.  

In college and during my young adult life, I learned to suppress my needs and prioritized work over relationships because of this perceived need to take care of myself no matter what. I wasn’t seeking out a secure partner, and didn’t even recognize what I needed in a relationship at the time. Fast forward to my 30’s, I became more aware that I had an avoidant attachment style and thought that was causing a lot of problems in my relationship. I worked really hard to try to make it work because Ithought not being able to commit was due to my avoidant attachment style, or I just needed to set more boundaries because I was codependent. What I didn’t realize was that I was in a relationship where I wasn’t getting my needs met, and that led to a hard decision after a year's worth of therapy and hard work, but it was worth it.

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The Key to Having a Secure Relationship

Remember attachment is part of our biology. We’re going to feel dysregulated at times and our stress response will get activated when our attachment to someone feels threatened. But we are also biologically wired to attach and connect to others, this is a basic human need. Trying to suppress this need, or overreacting when a need is not being met can ultimately drive people away.

What I have learned from all of this, is that the key to a secure relationship is taking the time to identify what you need and communicate that effectively. It is important to be aware of when our attachment system gets activated and determine our needs. Exercising, yoga, going for walks, and reaching out to talk with a friend are all strategies I have used to help regulate my nervous system and clarify my needs when I feel like my attachment system has been activated.

We are more vulnerable to using protest behaviors or deactivating strategies when our attachment system is activated. So you want to begin recognizing when you’re getting into protest or deactivating behaviors, and instead reflect on the need that is not being met. Communicate what you need clearly with your partner, and if they consistently can’t meet your needs, it might be a sign that you need to move on. At the end of the day we want a partner that can support us and is not consistently activating our attachment system. A calm nervous system is an indicator of a secure relationship.

The answer to “Am I the problem, oris it them?” might be to communicate more clearly, or it might be to stop wasting your time chasing people that can’t meet your needs in order to find someone that can.

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Next Steps - Now What?

If you want help navigating your own relationship, or working on yourself so you can find a relationship that is right for you, reach out and let’s talk. Or if you’re just curious and want to learn more about attachment styles, sign up for my newsletter below.

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